Posts Tagged ‘Life’

FFB 40: A Shout-Out to My Cousin

In Uncategorized on July 19, 2014 at 1:43 pm

In honor of the man who suggested I do this blog and get my damn book written already…

Dear Future Former Boss (Life):

I quit. I quit you, Life. I’m moving on. Wasn’t my plan, seems a bit soon (seriously, WTF) but such is life. And death, apparently.

I had a good run (yea-ah). A good walk. A good laugh, a good cry.  A GREAT life.  I smiled a million times, laughed a million more, got all of you to join me in my fun and merriment.

And now I’ve moved on.  I’ve got a new audience, new locale, got my pie in the sky (Nick, please send a sign if there is pie in the sky and, more importantly, if there is cake).

I’m out.



P.S. See you on the other side.




I’m not a Pakistani girl being shot in the head by the Taliban

In Uncategorized on September 17, 2013 at 8:36 pm

ImageAlso known as, “Are you kidding me?”  Also known as, “WTF!”  If you know me, you’ve heard me spout this mantra nearly all year long.

I wish I had never seen that movie Sliding Doors, you know, the one with Gwyneth Paltrow.  Actually I wish I hadn’t seen a lot of her movies and wish to see less of her in general.  But I always think of that movie when I have a “what if” moment. 

What if I hadn’t left my bag on the front seat of my car last week so that a thief could smash the window and steal it?  What if I hadn’t bought that condo I’m trying to have taken away from me?  What if I had a healthy relationship with food?  What if I hadn’t responded to studio1394 on Match.com because he was under 30 and his profile said he wanted someone much younger than me? 

I’m not a Pakistani girl being shot by the Taliban, although it feels like I’m walking around with a black cloud over my head.  I tell myself this because it could always be worse.  And I hate that saying, “it could always be worse.”  Because of course it could!  It has been worse.  It will be worse again someday.  But it could be better couldn’t it?  And that “worse” scenario is just some vague concept but not being a Pakistani girl being shot in the head by the Taliban is a real thing.  A real thing that I am thankful did not happen to me.


Things I wouldn’t let you tell my mother even if you could

In Uncategorized on October 15, 2012 at 7:16 pm


1. I do not always buy on sale with a coupon.  Sometimes I pay full price!

2. I will go to the dry cleaner just to have her sew a button on.

3. I own dry clean only clothes.

4. I do not “kill them with kindness” but sometimes I dish out some zingers that kill.

5. I do not wear a slip under that skirt.

6. I do not save ketchup packets from fast food restaurants.

7. Sometimes I throw out the little bits of soap instead of trying to meld them together into a new bar.

8. I wear a hat in the winter now. In fact, I zip up my coat too.

9. Sometimes I eat a poultry product without cranberry sauce but that’s usually because it wasn’t on sale or I didn’t have a coupon.

10. I currently have five different boxes of cereal open at one time. I probably paid full price for at least one of them.

15 things I wouldn’t miss if I drove to work instead of taking the El.

In Uncategorized on April 17, 2012 at 11:14 am

Yes, I know, gas prices are high.  Commuting in your car to work, and sitting in traffic are not fun.  But I was inspired to write these things down this morning when I witnessed a little old lady flossing her teeth at 6:23 a.m. on the Brown line.  Congratulations, you still have teeth to floss.  But you still should not be doing that in public!

  1. Seeing someone pee on the seats (in all honesty the two times I’ve seen this were not on the commute to/from work but were on the El.  In the middle seats.  FYI).
  2. Having my wallet stolen from my bag and not realizing it until you had already exited the train.
  3. Standing right in someone’s armpit on a 100 degree day (temperature in the El under the armpit ~88 degrees).
  4. Loud cell phone conversations that are not my own.
  5. My seatmate smacking her gum in my ear (yes I mentioned sitting even though, per #1, I have seen people pee on the seats).
  6. Nail clipping.  And toenail clipping.  And flossing.  All personal grooming you could do in the bathroom alone (you could even pee in the toilet instead of on the seat!).
  7. Your farts.  Your burps too because if I’m standing in your armpit there’s a good chance you’re burping in my face.
  8. Cologne.  Lots of it.  Did you spill the bottle on yourself ?  Sorry I sneezed all over you, dude, but come on, what did you think would happen?
  9. Wearing that brown sand/dirt that CTA uses instead of salt when the platforms are icy.  It never goes with my outfit.  And it’s dirt.
  10. Door straddlers.  These are usually Cubs fans going to the game who just refuse to move into the middle of the car because surely the El won’t stop long enough for them to get off at Addison.  We all know you’re there, people, and we all want you to get off the train and go to the game.  You will have time to exit!
  11. Drunk people.
  12. Crazy people.  I’m sorry for your craziness, and I know public services in IL aren’t what they should be.  But if I were driving you wouldn’t be in my car.  And that would be nice.
  13. Your bad breath (see #5 – she might have some gum for you).
  14. Your kids.  Again, they’re fine but I often think how they wouldn’t be riding in my imaginary car.
  15. Your music.  I really have no need for my ipod any more because there is always someone listening to their music too loudly.  I can just listen to theirs.  I mean, I don’t have show tunes in my playlist, and sometimes it’s nice to mix things up a bit.

FFB 25: The end is near

In Uncategorized on November 29, 2011 at 9:46 am

I’ve been watching too much Dexter lately….

Dear Future Former Boss:

I quit.  I drank the Kool-Aid, and I am going to go live on a commune with the Prophet.


Your Future Former Employee

P.S. Save yourself! The end is near!

P.P.S. I hope they make a reality tv show out of this prophet/commune stuff! I could be famous!

FFB 17: In Honor of the Triple Dip in Housing

In Uncategorized on November 1, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Dear Future Former Boss:

Please accept this letter of resignation.  My husband and I are under water in our mortgage and are abandoning our home.


Your Future Former Employee

P.S. A cash payout for my vacation time would be most appreciated as we may be living in our car for a bit.

FFB Letter 10: I won!

In Uncategorized on October 6, 2011 at 9:18 am

Dear Future Former Boss (via text message from Hawaii):

I quit. I won the lotto!


Your Future Former Employee

P.S. I still expect to be paid out for all of my unused vacation time.

FFB Letter 9: The Hermit

In Uncategorized on October 4, 2011 at 11:13 am

Today’s letter was inspired by my commute to work on the el.  My seat neighbor forgot his headphones for his music but that didn’t stop him from listening to it.  Or singing along to it.  For a very long ride.

Dear Future Former Boss:

This letter is to inform you of my resignation.  I have decided to become a hermit. I just can’t be around people any more.


Your Future Former Employee

P.S. I’m sure my anti-social decision comes as no surprise to you or my colleagues.

FFB Letter 8: The Payoff

In Uncategorized on October 2, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Dear Future Former Boss:

I quit.  I know I have 500 more community service hours to fulfill but surely there is someone I can payoff.


Your Future Former Employee (mandated by the courts of course)

P.S. I brought my checkbook to work today…

FFB Letter 7: Enough Said!

In Uncategorized on September 29, 2011 at 11:08 am

Dear Future Former Boss:

I quit. You’re sucking the life out of me.


Your Future Former Employee

P.S. I think that covers it, don’t you?

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