Archive for April, 2012|Monthly archive page

FFB 37: Fifty Shades of Purple? Oops!

In Uncategorized on April 23, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Dear Future Former Boss (Pres):

I quit.  Well, I have to quit, don’t I?  I mean, this scandal is getting bigger every day, and it’s only a matter of time before you find out I didn’t want to pay for my prostitute either.

I thought I was on spring break with my fraternity.  But spring break just doesn’t go down like this.

Ay Caribe! Wish my a-hole co-worker had just paid the lady – Congress would be none the wiser, and I could still be on spring break!


Your Future Former Employee

P.S. “It’s the economy, Stupid!” That line still makes a lot of sense for this election cycle.  Just a thought.

P.P. S. I might have some free time to volunteer on your campaign…


FFB 36: Sing! Sing a Song! Sing out Loud!

In Uncategorized on April 19, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Dear Future Former Boss:

I quit.  I’m going to be on American Idol!  I’m sure you’re not surprised since I sing all day long at work (in fact, please read this letter as if I’m singing to you).  I know, I know, you’ll miss my beautiful voice.  But soon you will see me on TV and be downloading my iTunes!


Your Future Former Employee

P.S. I’ll be giving a concert in the kitchen at 4 p.m. today for all staff.  You’re welcome.

P.P. S. You may want to save this letter – my first autograph on my rise to stardom!

15 things I wouldn’t miss if I drove to work instead of taking the El.

In Uncategorized on April 17, 2012 at 11:14 am

Yes, I know, gas prices are high.  Commuting in your car to work, and sitting in traffic are not fun.  But I was inspired to write these things down this morning when I witnessed a little old lady flossing her teeth at 6:23 a.m. on the Brown line.  Congratulations, you still have teeth to floss.  But you still should not be doing that in public!

  1. Seeing someone pee on the seats (in all honesty the two times I’ve seen this were not on the commute to/from work but were on the El.  In the middle seats.  FYI).
  2. Having my wallet stolen from my bag and not realizing it until you had already exited the train.
  3. Standing right in someone’s armpit on a 100 degree day (temperature in the El under the armpit ~88 degrees).
  4. Loud cell phone conversations that are not my own.
  5. My seatmate smacking her gum in my ear (yes I mentioned sitting even though, per #1, I have seen people pee on the seats).
  6. Nail clipping.  And toenail clipping.  And flossing.  All personal grooming you could do in the bathroom alone (you could even pee in the toilet instead of on the seat!).
  7. Your farts.  Your burps too because if I’m standing in your armpit there’s a good chance you’re burping in my face.
  8. Cologne.  Lots of it.  Did you spill the bottle on yourself ?  Sorry I sneezed all over you, dude, but come on, what did you think would happen?
  9. Wearing that brown sand/dirt that CTA uses instead of salt when the platforms are icy.  It never goes with my outfit.  And it’s dirt.
  10. Door straddlers.  These are usually Cubs fans going to the game who just refuse to move into the middle of the car because surely the El won’t stop long enough for them to get off at Addison.  We all know you’re there, people, and we all want you to get off the train and go to the game.  You will have time to exit!
  11. Drunk people.
  12. Crazy people.  I’m sorry for your craziness, and I know public services in IL aren’t what they should be.  But if I were driving you wouldn’t be in my car.  And that would be nice.
  13. Your bad breath (see #5 – she might have some gum for you).
  14. Your kids.  Again, they’re fine but I often think how they wouldn’t be riding in my imaginary car.
  15. Your music.  I really have no need for my ipod any more because there is always someone listening to their music too loudly.  I can just listen to theirs.  I mean, I don’t have show tunes in my playlist, and sometimes it’s nice to mix things up a bit.
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